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Posted Friday, September 24, 2010 // 4 comments (+)
Hi people, this post is specially to those who came to visit my blog and check for updates (thank you very much) and left because I have none. So this time I'm gonna blog for good.

Many people out there prefer pictures blog instead of words blog, but CANT U GUYS JUST READ WORDS!!  I'm a girl with words, not pics. I do take pics and I do share it, but uploading pics are so troublesome compared to just typing words. I tried to transform this blog to pictures blog, but failed because I think, why do people wanna see where you go? I mean, people prefer to read thoughts, right?

I'm going to tell you guys why I've been so emo lately. (I'm explaining myself again, but I just don't want people out there to worry about me, you know who you are.)

I'm having 5 papers this week, and 1 last paper next week. The worst part of everything is, I'm having the 5 exams in 3 days. Those who are not accounting students in MMU, you guys will say ''its just a piece of cake''.

Its just a piece of cake to you guys, but not to us. We don't have enough time to study at all.

''Why don't you start off early then? If you know you're gonna be so much suffering that time?''

I did start early. Prolly not that early compared to others. I started studying approximately one - two weeks before my exam. And purposely come back to MMU during study week, where there are just countable people still staying here.

I came back because I know I can't study at all at home. I didn't bring laptop (forcing myself), and I didn't even bring my iPod (forcing myself to the extreme). To others, these are not extreme YET. But to me, yeah, they are my extremes.

I don't know where I have done wrong. I have to focus so many subjects suddenly and I just couldn't take it.
Especially the last two pure memorizing subjects, FML.

To be completely honest, if my luck goes off side, I might fail 2 papers.

If I fail 2 papers, then I will undergo probation for my next sem, which means, I can't take certain subjects, and I have to go classes alone if I have to.

Moreover, my JPA scholarship will just stop sponsoring me if I failed 2 papers.

1-2 years ago -

Every single night before my exam, I will really push myself to the extreme, till I myself cant believe how I did that last time. I everyday sleep max 2 hours, sometimes didn't sleep at all. Still remembering I didn't sleep for one whole day just because I haven't finish study.

Before the exam starts, I always make sure I clear my doubts before entering the exam  hall.

The main thing that I concern is, ''Can I get an A for that paper just now? I think I cant T_T''

2 years later -

Every single night before my exam, I can't be sleepless anymore. I at least have to sleep for 2 hours. Sometimes even 2 hours also I eventually will walk to my bed and sleep for another 1 hour.

Before exams, I have so much doubts, I wish to clear them, but it was too late. And so, I ended up saying, ''Ahh never mind lah, next sem hardworking again lo T_T''

And after exam? ''Can I PASS that paper just now? I think can't T_____T''

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I used to be so concern with my exams, and right now? I'm like .......T_T

I blame no one on this matter, no one but me.

I'm feeling extremely insecure about my 5 papers that I just did. I felt regret over all of them. And I can do nothing to repair it nor fix it. If there's a button to go back to one month ago, I will definitely hit it without thinking even for a mili second.

I used to always talk to my girl friends during our lunch hour, saying that ''next time I wanna go US! I wanna go UK! go there study! go there earn money! Go there see the world! I wanna buy things without looking at the price tags!!! Yeah lets all of us meet in Paris 10 years from now ok, I wanna see you taking Gucci or LV bag one ah!!''

We were talking about all these all the time, about our ''big'' dreams.

But we often talked so much, that we talked too much but never really do a single thing to go for our dream.

All I can say was, I am very disappointed to myself.

Why finishing all the tutorials are something hardworking to me?

Why going to the library is something hardworking to me?

Why going to seek for a lecturer is something hardworking to me?

Why always study but never go play is something nerd to me?

To 4.0 people, those that I have stated above are their habits, something that they have done prolly since they are born. Some thoughts that they have instilled in their brain since young.

Sometimes I really wish my mom is just right beside me, treating me just like a kid. Forbid me to do this, forbid me to do that. Force me to off the laptop and TV, force me to study, force me to sleep before 10 pm, force me to wake up before 10 am. And will only stop nagging me when I come out work. By that time, I can confirm I am a 4 flat student, and definitely a happy girl with a good career.

I wish my best friend is beside me right now, staying with me, studying with me. She is those type of girls who can live without internet. She just can't live without dramas (lol). Whenever there's exam, she will really study hard. She will reject every single outings or gathering, just to make sure she has her exam well handled. Moreover, she's not a nerd! She's so funny and so cute and she really knows how to enjoy life.

I know I'm already 20 years old, I have the ability to control myself, but most of the time I just can't...

You know how much it takes for me to still be studying, when my housemates are all already sleeping?

You know how much it takes for me to walk to the library alone thinking that I HAVE to do that?

You know how much it takes for me to not bring my laptop and iPod back thinking that if I didn't, I can't concentrate at all?

I've sacrificed so much, but sometimes its just not enough. For the reality, its just not enough.

Once I entered Accounting this course, I HAVE to accept the fact that this is not a straight and easy road for me. It is a winding road with lots of tall grasses and you can't probably see where you are heading to, or some snakes might just come out and bite you. =(

I'm so so so so so moody lately that I just run out of words to explain how I'm doing...I think so much lately, so much..

I realized that talked too much, but never really do....... So what's the point of me talking so much, right?

Growing up is not easy at all. It makes you feel like you're gonna break down anytime..

Being ignorant is essential. Its crucial, its a must. Being ignorant, you will actually grow better. You will actually become happier. Right?

And being blur, you can't see things clearly around you, you will feel so much happier, right??

I'm not going to say about anything anymore..because.....in the end, those are just words. Dead words without any actions...

I'm so lost.....................

Thanks for reading my confession. Sorry if I've misled your thoughts to somewhere else... Appreciate that. :)

Everytime I feel stress, this small lil thing will cheer me up, no fail.

forever and ever. <3
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Steph. Sweet 24. Leo. A girl who writes to express not to impress.(Forgive me if I accidentally impressed u LOL :P) A girl who is constantly searching for meaning of life and loves to be showered with inspiration. She wants to be somebody in the future. Keep on reading to know more about her. Leave any comments if you feel like it, she'll be glad! Rock on. ♥