Posted Monday, January 11, 2010 // 9 comments (+)
Sometimes when it comes to friends, I realize I suck. I'm not those who can forgive and forget easily.
I'm not those who can don't care about how bitchy their friends are. I am not those who can just hang around easily with someone else. But I'm really glad that I have a few friends who are actually not like that. In fact, I have alot of them. They can accompany you anywhere without even yawning, they can give you opinions but not feeling jealous.They can forget and forgive easily no matter how badly I behaved. I admit I can't do that. I suck.....so much.... T_T
But you know what? I'm gonna change that shitty attitude and just... Be a new me.
Ever heard of this?
" Life isn't about being yourself, its about creating yourself. "- George Bernard Shaw
There's so much I can learn from them and I gotta start doing it.
I feel like my life is changing drastically and I feel like I'm growing more matured day by day.
I get involved with many temptations and different things that only adults will do. Luckily, I know what's right and what's wrong. But I scared that I might lose my stand someday, somehow.....
In the growing process I might feel happy, or sad.
Things will happen, and nobody can predict it. And you know what?
I can't bear myself to be sad. I feel like I am so overprotective over myself. I can still remember the very first time ever I got myself so badly hurt is because of the very first relationship that I've been through. And you know what, its not even a real life relationship. That means I never go through any hands holding process, I've never been through any sweet couples hanging out moments, I've never lean on any guy's shoulder before, all those are done via MSN and TEXT. How lifeless I was last time.
And......yeah I got dumped eventually. The reason is because, he said I am virtual. I will never ever forget this word, VIRTUAL. How virtual I am to him. Actually I don't think that's the main reason I got dumped. The true fact is that he's got a REAL LIFE gf. I saw their pictures over Friendster and all....
So I got really heartbroken,and I still remember I cried even when I'm in school.. And I cried so hard everyday. When I woke up and found no text messages from him at all, when I was bathing, when I was inside the toilet, before I sleep..And that time I think my second house will be the toilet. that's the only place where I can let myself all out. I think it lasted for a few weeks or months, can't really recall back. I cried until my eyes were all swollen, and I remember I was waiting for his text until midnight almost everyday. I sat in front of the computer, hoping him to online, hoping him to text me but to no avail. I forgot how I moved on back then...
It took me quite a long time and huge courage too. So right now I learnt something. In order to protect myself I chose to be NOT close with any guys. Unless I like him. No more flirting around, no more teasing around. No more all these stuffs. And my life has been quite serious since then. I have... too low self esteem......
I seriously hope I can bear the sadness over each relationship, have an open heart and face everything bravely. Right now I feel like a total coward who closes my heart and not letting anything in. I stopped everything before it even started. I think about the sadness before the happiness. I think about the bad consequences before the happy ending. What's wrong with me?! I am actually quite scared if I'm feeling too happy on that day, scared that after all these happiness, sadness is waiting for me. Like some accident or someone's death or something. How can I ever thought of all these?! fuck..
I just feel really insecure. I'm not brave, I'm so stucked inside my whole world. I wanna reincarnate. I really hope someone's there to guide me out of the shadow of my pasts, nurture me the new way of living.Telling me that happiness ain't something luxury, and sadness ain't something necessary. T_______________T
I am an emo person, and I guess I have romance of a poet.
I had alot of posts about self thoughts inside my draft. Everytime I finished writing a post, I hesitated so much whether to press the '' PUBLISH POST'' button or not because I have no courage to expose my feelings out to the public. But this time, I'm gonna let everyone know the weak side of me and I want to change. I really want it...
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