Posted Sunday, May 18, 2008 // 1 comments (+)
The "bottom line" to happiness is this:
A persons happiness must come from the self.. it is created from within your heart, and one should not look to others to "make" them happy, nor is it anyones "job" to provide happiness for another.
Sounds simple, and in a way it is, but it becomes difficult when you factor in another person, as a couple. At that point, it seems that you give up a bit of your individuality, and begin to work and think as a "unit" instead of a part of a unit... always the other half of a couple.
This in itself eventually can cause dis-harmony, once one partner must begin to make concessions to "satisfy" the other partner, or to do things that you do not like to do, in order to "make the other person happy". When this happens, the giver ends up becoming more distant and withdrawn over the years, and the other one, who was to be made happy, sees this withdrawn partner, and they too begin to become unhappy as well. Now you have two people who are unhappy. That is where the rut starts, and when you find yourself in a rut, quit digging deeper! You have to pull yourself out of that rut, and begin to see sunlight again. Being suffocated in that relationship only causes more resentment towards the other partner.
When two people embark on a relationship, it is my opinion that the more they have in common, especially with hobbies and past times, the better the chance of a long term relationship. Everyone evolves, everyone changes their thoughts, desires and feelings over the years, and this I call human growth. When two people have too many dissimilar interests, they eventually do not grow "together" but they "grow apart", until the day comes when one or the other realizes they no longer have anything at all in common, and they spend more and more time persuing their own personal interests, other than sharing interests with each other, as a couple.
When one or the other comes to the realization that they are no longer happy in their relationship, it becomes a bitter internal battle. Do they stay, and become even more unhappy, bitter, resentful, and infect the other with those feelings as well? Or do they decide that it is better to just part ways, and seek out new happiness? If they go, they will most certainly hurt the other partner, as he or she has not come to the same conclusions and realizations that the parting person did..
I feel that if two people are miserable together, if they part ways, one will become happy, and the other will either have to sulk in their continued miserable state, or pull themselves together and search out their own happiness, and in the long run, BOTH people will have found happiness.
Ten or Twenty years of marriage is a long time to "give it your best". and if a couple can not continue being "in" love, then it is reason enough to part company.
There is a BIG difference in "love" and being "IN love". Many people say "I love you", or "I love this", etc, but that has nothing to do with being in love. Many people can still love each other, but that, in my opinion, is not enough to sustain a life time relationship of happiness and harmony.
I feel that in the long run, it is better to cause pain to a partner by parting ways, and putting it all behind you, than to continue to both be more and more miserable together over the years to come.
When one is no longer "in love" with their partner, I see it as being selfish NOT to part. Everyone wants to be loved, needs to be loved, and if that love can not come from you, you are depriving your partner of the love that they deserve in life. You yourself are blocking their chance at finding someone who CAN and WILL love your partner better than you can, and when you find someone you are in love with again, and your partner finds someone he or she can be in love with, both become renewed with Light, Love, and Energy, instead of in a Stagnant relationship where both grow old and die in total bitterness.
I know of many, who are in a long term relationship that is stagnant, and neither is happy, there is little light in their life, let alone energy and harmony. These relationships are little more than "room mates" sharing expenses and having sex, instead of making true love with each other.
To me, a true love relationship is one of total honesty, complete dedication, full harmony, and both still maintain their personal individualities, like two individuals being together, not a couple as a unit. I feel that each of the partners should be allowed full and complete freedom to do as he or she sees fit. Most would say "it would not work that way", and it would not in a normal relationship, but if the primary foundation of that relation is based on true and full love for each other, then even though both partners have the freedom of individual choice, they would not, out of pure love for the other, do anything, or make any choices that would hurt the other partner. A good example is when one partner "cheats" on the other partner. A person may try to justify their actions by saying something like "I love my wife (or husband), but I need some variety", or "I was drunk". I think that those are just excuses. In a normal relationship, sure, the partner may love their spouse, but certainly are not "in love" with their spouse, or they could not have even brought themselves to even consider cheating, let alone follow through with the act. If a person cheats, and are not in love, but only 'loves" their spouse, then they should move aside so the spouse can find someone new who WILL be "in love with them".
Now, lets say you, the reader, feel you truly are in love with your mate, but you feel that you and your partner are unhappy, and you want to keep him or her. You and only you can determine if he or she is in love with you. If both are indeed "in love" and not just love each other, then there is a chance that a change in life, living, neighborhoods, job, etc, could help, but if your mate does not love you, like you love them, then you must decide if it better to live with someone who is not in love with you, or find someone who WOULD be in love with you, and let your mate find their own happiness by releasing them to seek it out.
Couples will never find happiness together if either one of them are not "in" love with the other.
Far too many feel that they would rather stay in a relationship that is not all that loving, just to hang on to familiarity, or security. It can be scary for one to think of "What will I do then?" or "What shall become of me if I leave?"
Only you can answer that question. I think it is better to have a bit of a struggle in life, to achieve happiness, than to become complacent in an unhappy relationship, for the sake of holding on to material things. Material things can be replaced, or changed, or lost and gained many times over the course of a lifetime, but how many times does one get in a lifetime to achieve harmony and true happiness? Not many I venture say.
I feel that letting go of material things that only clutter up and get in the way of happiness is a good first step. Material things can not in themselves provide happiness. An object can provide happiness for one, but may disgust another, so it is not the object itself, but how the person sees that object.
I personally do not need a new fancy car to get me from point A to point B. If it does what it is designed to do, then I am happy I made it where I was going to. I do not need a house with lots of huge rooms, when even the smallest house will be a "home" if the rooms are filled with love, instead of objects taking up lots of space. Long term happiness can not come from material things.
I get more pleasure out of helping someone for 2 hours for free, than to work for someone for 1 hour for money. Money nor material things can never fill up the spaces that love and harmony can, when in a true loving relationship, and the house is a home, the couple would be just as happy eating together on a card table, as they would on a $5,000 dinning room table. If is the togetherness, not the table that brings happiness.
Here is a startling realization for many.. I assume you are reading this from your computer, (if not, then maybe from someone who printed it out for you)...
When you come home every day... do you run to your computer to check your email? or run to your spouse for a loving hug and a kiss? Do you click on a chat program to talk with your friends first? or do you talk "with" your partner first? If you chose the computer over your mate, then maybe you need to evaluate if your relationship is one of true love, or just that you two exist under the same roof. When you would rather spend an evening curled up with your computer, than with your mate, then maybe your relationship is not one of true and total love, but just familiarity and security, and that may be where your personal unhappiness lies..
Most emotions can be painful ones to deal with. People tend to put up walls around their emotions to protect themselves from the hurt. Generally the emotion of anger is used to protect oneself from "guilt", "sorrow", "rejection", etc.. when your mate is told that you are no longer "in love" with them, they are hurt, they feel rejection, they feel self pity, and when that runs it's course, they switch to anger to protect themselves and go from the defensive mode, to the offensive mode. In many situations in life, you can see this change quite often manifest itself daily, over and over and over again, and once you understand it, you can more effectively deal with it.
After the crying, you hear terms like "good riddance" or "they were no good anyways", and "who needs them?" and many other terms far to numerous to mention, but I think you see my point. Anger is far more easier to deal with for the individual, and it certainly lasts far less in time, as negative hurting emotions last. Hurting emotions can last for days, weeks, months,, until it is all but forgotten, whereas anger may only last hours, or a day at the most. Once the anger subsides, then there is room for happiness again. If one were to run around all day with a "poor me" attitude, they would eventually feel they do not deserve happiness, and will truly end up miserable.
The feelings of embarrassment and humiliation are two different things. Generally embarrassment is self inflicted and totally accidental and short term, like your zipper is down, or a woman finds her blouse has come partly undone in public. That is embarrassment. Humiliation can cause the same feelings in the immediate time frame, but lasts much more, because humiliation is not self inflicted, but caused by an external manifestation, and most times is done on purpose. Humiliation causes some pain, but that pain again is re-directed eventually to anger to deal with the hurt.
There is nothing wrong with negative emotions, as sometimes they can be very beneficial to the mind, as long as they do not last long. Everyone now and then feels sorry for themselves, it's quite natural, but realize too, you can't stay there forever as it will pass. When you feel sorry for yourself, then others around you will feel sorry for you as well, and offer help and suggestions to pull you out of it. Listen to their advice and see if there is some words of wisdom in it. Look at negative emotions as a learning experience. but don't spend a week in "class".
Someone very dear to my heart explained long term marriages like this: She felt that people were not meant to be together a life time. She felt that when marriage was "invented" people were lucky to live to be 50 years old, which meant a life time marriage was only 30 years or so. Nowadays, as people live to be 70, 80 or more, and to be married at 20, the flames die out many times by the time the people reach 50. When you look at the chance of living almost TWO lifetimes from when marriage was invented, it seems to reason that the average human will evolve enough where a couple will grow apart, and should actually part, if not still fully "in love". Interesting thought.
I like to "watch people". When one becomes aware of people, they see things. Actually, I see more couples in their 50's and 60's holding hands than I do of those in their 30's and 40's. Those older people have more love between them that has sustained their relationship, than many of the younger couples have, as I believe that since older couples who are still with the same mate grew up in a different world, one where they did not have all the materialism that people today strive to accumulate, and when two people would rather be out building an empire than to be out walking and talking and cuddling and enjoying life itself, then they may not be "in" love, as much as they might think they are.
It is far better for a couple to walk "together" and side by side, than for one in front of the other. Each has a role to play in life, and nether one is more important than the other. It is not a good idea to try to "mold" your mate into what you perceive your mate should be. If you are not satisfied with your mate, and can not accept him or her as he or she is, then maybe you have the wrong mate, and should go find another one more suitable and "pre-molded" as it were. If you can not find him or her, then maybe your goals in what you want in a mate are too high. If your mate is trying to mold you into someone you are not, then you can either stay and submit and change to the whims of your mate, or find someone who will love, honor and accept you for who you are, "your self", an individual with needs and desires.
I feel it is important not to go out and "look for love", for it is elusive indeed. I think that when you are in the right place at the right time, love itself will find you! Quit looking and let nature take it's course. Even if you think you might have found love, resist it.. resist with all your might.. and if one day you can no longer stand it and can not resist a relationship, as it hurts to be apart for even a second of time, when this person is the very first thought in your mind upon waking up in the morning, and this person is the very last thought in your mind when you fall asleep (if you can sleep at all), and every waking moment is spent thinking of this person, and your desire to "be" with this person becomes to a point where you can no longer bear it, then you have found someone you are "in" love deeply with. If this person feels the same towards you as you are to he or she, then you have found true love. If you found that a tent could be a home, as long as you are with that person, then you have found true love.
When you make love, and it feels that you just have to be closer to your mate, and want to actually bond physically, almost as if you and your mate want to bond into one single body, that to me, is a Twin Soul experience. When two soul-halves making perfect love, try to bond back into a single soul, but the physical body interferes,that is pure love, pure joy, and pure happiness. Unfortunately for most people, few experience it in their lifetimes.
Credits to Michael =)
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