Posted Sunday, April 20, 2008 // 0 comments (+)
Why do you start even if you know its gonna break someday?
i do admit that i'm taking life too seriously, but who don't?
sometimes i kinda admire those people living with their simple minded thoughts, happy then happy lor. sad then sad lor. they just like the feeling of having each other around everyday.. cuddling each other.. maybe i love them too, just that i did not experience them before, or do i even let that to happen on me? sigh..
i like to think alot before proceeding on something.. and think on my own way to make it work..
and just because of that , sometimes people around me tend to get hurt. they just don't understand why i want to do so.. i don't wish to do so also, i just.. don't wanna get hurt or hurt anyone again..reasons why i seldom post entries about my love life is someone close to me reading my blog, and this issue is too personal to be posted out in this public blog.
i used to ask myself why my parents don't let us to have BF during primary or secondary school time.i finally understand it now..
main reason is because we're too young for relationships, and we can handle things with our naive thinking and it will go wrong in the end. we will end up in a very nasty way.. we're not matured enough to understand what love actually is.. and we will easily get hurt..
starting a relationship is hard, but ending a relationship is easy.
i am never passionate for love anymore, i am never passionate to do what those couples did everyday. i just don't know why...
such as, OMG I'M GOING TO SEE XXX LATER! I CANT WAIT TO SEE HIM/HER!
no i don't feel such things. even if to the one i love/ i care.
no more woi call me lah.. i'm waiting for your calls.. with that grumpy look when you did not see the one you love calling you.
no i dont feel that anymore.. not even with my first ex.. i used to hate answer calls from guys.
not because i'm anti social or what, its just because i don't know what to talk about, and yeah i'm shy. or lansi or whatever you called :P
i dont answer andrew's calls way back then. but not until ernest entered my life. he changed me.
i'll never feel scared of answering guys calls anymore. but that does not increase my interest on chatting on phone for a very long time. i just hate that! same goes to chatting with girls..
few reasons to explain that are firstly, when someone calls, i have to give respond and full attention on him or listen to what he's saying right? and that means that i cant do anything else, cant surf net, cant watch videos, cant reply in msn etc..cuz i'm paying attention on the phone. and secondly i feel scary when my phone get hot. haha. scared it'll explode someday.. too much of newspaper i guess..
experience used to say that, if you don't tell, you wont know how far the fairy tales go.
while i used to say that, if you know its not going to last, and its going to hurt so much at last, why start at the first place? who so stupid go and hurt themselves?
i'm just being too pessimistic towards love. i don't know whether it relates to my parents teaching or not, no i guess it does not. because clement's parents also like that one ma, and yet, he's looking forward to those romantic dates and all that.
when someone is being too good to me, i'll feel so stressed.. i do enjoy the feeling but i think i do not deserve him. i think some better girls deserve him more. i'll feel scared.. i'll feel like its a burden to couple with this kinda guy. its like whenever you both break up, he's gonna get so hurt and he might be suicide just because of me because he has sacrificed so much for me.
girls intuition is way better than guys.. girls can sense if anyone likes her or not, and i'm serious about that..
sometimes not even myself know what i want, not to say others... i just don't feel that i need love so much. i can survive without love, yeah why not? i can survive without someone saying ''i love you'' everyday to me before i sleep. yeah why not? i don't feel desperate when i'm finding a bf.
maybe i'm just young right now, and even if i got one bf, i don't think that we're going to see each other's face till we get old.. it just sounds so wrong ain it?!
Ernest told me, if you are happy with him, and he is happy with you, then just couple la..
who cares if you guys gonna get married anyway.. if shits happened and never gonna be the same again, just break up la.. but OMG you dont afraid of break ups?
the feeling when thousands of knives stabbed in your heart.. the feeling when you're supposed to be happy but you are thinking on how to handle this relationships.
sigh.. and this is also the reason why i don't wanna accept anyone right now. EVEN IF I REALLY LIKE SOMEONE. i just don't have confident to last that you know what i mean?
and everyday i know you're getting hurt because of something and i could not do a thing about it.. yes i could maybe cheer you up by promising to be your gf, but i just don't wanna lie..
i feel so guilty when you get hurt and i just wanna stop the whole thing so that you wont get hurt more.. i emphasize that i wanna concentrate on my studies first and wanna cut off the relationship stuff but hearts just won't listen huh?
communication and faith, still i'll choose communication, then only it comes to faith.. a guy who always keep things to himself, never wanna tell out reasons why he's being so down, always make a girl wonder what is he feeling inside, is a guy i won't choose.. he never tell me, how am i going to know what he's thinking right? he never tell, how on earth i know what happened.. and without knowing the truth how am i going to have faith in him? -.-''
i wanna apologize, to whoever that feels hurt because of my behavior.. i did not mean to hurt you guys.. but it just happened so... i'm sorry about that.. and the only thing you can do is move on and if can, just move on to another target...... :)
i hope i can change.. i will change.. i must change..!! so that i wont anti love so much. hahaha
eXP - goodluck in your meeting with Mr lotus. hope everything goes completely fine =)
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